Maleficent

Don't look at my scary face!

Urgh...

This movie removed 98% of our IQ!

Grr...

Somebody flipped my asshole switch!

Ugh!

I'm the coolest thing in this film.

*Whimpers*

Forget about all that! Look at me!

Ooh...

Where was I?

Oh, right! I was going to write about Maleficent.

What can I say about Maleficent that hasn't already been said?

.... (Do you hear the crickets yet?)...

Well, okay...

Umm...

I liked it and I hated it all at once which seems to be the order of the day with Disney this year.

What did I like about it?

1. Diavel, the crow that turned into a guy: he was interesting and cool. He seemed to have a moral compass but still did what his lady liege commanded even when he didn't agree. He also just looked bloody cool. I mean, did you see the way they made him look like a dragon? That was interesting and cool! Obvious CGI, but it was awesome looking CGI!
2. Aurora herself. They didn't give her much to go on, but Elle Fanning went above and beyond on making Aurora damn interesting and kind of fantastic. I was really happy about it.
3. The scenery especially in the fairy kingdom. OH MY GOD! It was like I was looking at a life-action Brian Froud painting. I nearly cried which was great because there was so much to cry about in the film due to how aweful it was.

What didn't I like about the move?

.... Just look at the beginning of this post? It was pretty much what everyone else hated about the movies. The plot and characters had no consistancy whatsoever. I mean, one minute Stefan is Maleficent's best friend and then "human greed" makes him try to kill her and then he just cuts off her wings (the way they handled her initial reaction to that by the way was really well-done to me, the horror and shock and shame of it all actually made me empathize with Maleficent for a whole minute) and then becomes an utter bastard. What? Where's the transition? What just happened? WHY?

Then Maleficent goes from wanting Aurora DEAD to raising her and being a mother surrogate... because? I mean... Only a monster would want to kill a baby, but she's ALREADY CURSED THE BABY WITH DEATH! What is going through this person's head?

And the fairies...

I loved Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather. Heck, I was Fauna one year for Halloween when I was really young. Yes, I was the green, ditzy fairy. Leave me alone.

Anyhow, they changed the names (thank God for small favors) and made them so stupid they don't know how to FEED A BABY. It's just...

They weren't the brightest in Sleeping Beauty, but they were still mostly the main protagonists.

If I were to rewrite Maleficent, here's how I'd do it.

The world is sorted between the Seelie and the Unseelie fairies with the humans having their own kingdoms as well with one being ruled by King Stefan and the other being ruled by King Hubert. Stefan's kingdom houses the Unseelie Court while Hubert's kingdom houses the Seelie Courts. The wars between the kingdoms reflect the wars between the courts they house. Then King Stefan and King Hubert decide to make peace with Stefan's newborn baby, Aurora set to wed King Hubert's son, Phillip. 

At the initial negotiation (months prior to the christening), the three "good" (i.e., Seelie) fairies are sent to also attempt to broker a peace with Maleficent, but they secretly bring an army with them to the initial peace discussion and slaughter Maleficent's family and half her court. They then go the the humans an report that they were unable to negotiate a treaty with the Unseelie court.

Because of this, Stefan doesn't invite Maleficent or any Unseelies to Aurora's christening, but Maleficent shows up anyhow, full of anger and fiery vengeance for the "good" fairies and puts a curse on Aurora so that she'll die on her 16th birthday and peace between the kingdoms will die with her.

The "good" fairies try to take Aurora away and hide her, but Maleficent finds new allies in the sixteen years, they get ahold of Prince Phillip and she raises him. So that even if the curse is broken, the Seelie Court will never win becuase he'll see things from her point of view. She also tries to find Aurora by showing Phillip how to walk in dreams so that he finds his betrothed there and they get to know eachother there from the age of ten or so. Making "Once Upon a Dream" a lot darker than initial seen.

However, Phillip grows to love Aurora, truly love her over time and Maleficent grows to care for Phillip as more than just a pawn. So, on the eve of Aurora's sixteenth birthday, she sends Phillip to Aurora's location using Diavel and the location from tracing the dream magics. The plan is for the two to run away together and leave both kingdoms for good, and outrun Maleficent's curse, but the Seelie's want the curse to happen. They want Aurora to become a martyr for the curse, uniting the kingdoms in a different way.

It all ends with Aurora going to sleep. Maleficent curses all the humans to sleep until Aurora wakens (since Phillip was raised in the Unseelie Court having eaten their food and slept amongst them, he's no longer fully human and immune) and a battle breaks out between the "good" fairies and Maleficent with losses on both sides. In the end, all the fairies and magic dies, canceling the curse. Since Phillip was born human, he just loses his fairy magics and he goes to find Aurora before she wakes up.

They get married, the kingdoms get peace, but fairies and magic die. Phillip and Aurora have lost all of their childhood friends, but he and Aurora are reunited with their families.

The end.

It could use some work, but that's what I cam up with in four minutes. If I could come up with that, then who the hell is Disney employing and how do I kill them for lacking creativety and talent?