The Almost Kiss of Doom
I have something I need to talk about right now. Something of pressing importance. It is a problem that MUST be solved soon before all movies become unwatchable by the beginning of the third act. What is this thing I'm referring to?
The Almost Kiss of Doom
Now, some of you are looking at that phrase and wondering what in God's name I'm talking about. Others are looking at that phrase and going, "Yeah! That shit's gotta go!"
For those of you not in on the loop, the Almost Kiss of Doom is a point in a story that may or may not be a romantic comedy. I've seen scifi and fantasy movies use the same stupid plot point as well as adventure movie and horror films. This is a movie-wide problem, but usually it only happens when two protagonists are of the opposite sex.
What happens is this: the two protagonists are finally starting to get along, they're almost done with their quest, all their dreams are about to come true... and then they look at each other with moony eyes and you, the viewer, know that they're going to kiss. It's just obvious.
They've got the romantic googly eyes and everything!
They lean in all slow and you're brain's going, "Just get it over with!"
... And then something stops them and whatever's going on, whatever victories they've won, however close to winning they are... it just goes straight to hell. The person that was going to help them finish dies. A party that's been plotting and scheming the whole time finally has their schemes come into full fruition. The villain catches them. They almost kiss and then they get about as close to losing everything as they possibly can.
That's the Almost Kiss of Doom. You've seen it, I know you have. You know I have because I'm writing about it. And I'm sick to death of that crap!!!
Why does it have to happen? Half the time things seem to be nice and platonic until that almost-kiss happens. Sometimes it's more than an almost kiss, if you know what I mean.
AND IT'S STUPID!
I mean, there are thousands of ways to up the tension without playing the romantic tension card. THOUSANDS. It's like the writers were going, "Oh... I've run out of ideas how to get the characters from Point A to Point B... it doesn't feel like they've had enough conflict either... I know! I'll just have them almost kiss!"
And so it happens. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.
It's ridiculous! It's spiteful to the audience! Well, in the case of romantic shows, "They'll be wanting the characters to kiss now... but I don't want them to yet, let's have them almost kiss and then send everything straight to hell!"
Yeah. That's right. That's probably what's going through their heads.
Don't you just want to hit those bloody writers upside the head with bricks now?
See, I understand that sometimes it's fun to tease the audience. I'm a writer myself. I get it. It's fun playing with the viewer/readers head a little and teasing them from time to time. But, a line has to be drawn when the same old thing is used to much. It's got to be stopped!
Trouble is, I don't know how because everyone eats that shit up. "Tee-hee! They almost kissed! And now things are getting interesting! Cool!"
Yeah. I know your brains don't really work that way, but I'm not really sure how else to thing about it without poisoning the water supply.
Sweet Dreams.
The Almost Kiss of Doom
Now, some of you are looking at that phrase and wondering what in God's name I'm talking about. Others are looking at that phrase and going, "Yeah! That shit's gotta go!"
For those of you not in on the loop, the Almost Kiss of Doom is a point in a story that may or may not be a romantic comedy. I've seen scifi and fantasy movies use the same stupid plot point as well as adventure movie and horror films. This is a movie-wide problem, but usually it only happens when two protagonists are of the opposite sex.
What happens is this: the two protagonists are finally starting to get along, they're almost done with their quest, all their dreams are about to come true... and then they look at each other with moony eyes and you, the viewer, know that they're going to kiss. It's just obvious.
They've got the romantic googly eyes and everything!
They lean in all slow and you're brain's going, "Just get it over with!"
... And then something stops them and whatever's going on, whatever victories they've won, however close to winning they are... it just goes straight to hell. The person that was going to help them finish dies. A party that's been plotting and scheming the whole time finally has their schemes come into full fruition. The villain catches them. They almost kiss and then they get about as close to losing everything as they possibly can.
That's the Almost Kiss of Doom. You've seen it, I know you have. You know I have because I'm writing about it. And I'm sick to death of that crap!!!
Why does it have to happen? Half the time things seem to be nice and platonic until that almost-kiss happens. Sometimes it's more than an almost kiss, if you know what I mean.
AND IT'S STUPID!
I mean, there are thousands of ways to up the tension without playing the romantic tension card. THOUSANDS. It's like the writers were going, "Oh... I've run out of ideas how to get the characters from Point A to Point B... it doesn't feel like they've had enough conflict either... I know! I'll just have them almost kiss!"
And so it happens. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.
It's ridiculous! It's spiteful to the audience! Well, in the case of romantic shows, "They'll be wanting the characters to kiss now... but I don't want them to yet, let's have them almost kiss and then send everything straight to hell!"
Yeah. That's right. That's probably what's going through their heads.
Don't you just want to hit those bloody writers upside the head with bricks now?
See, I understand that sometimes it's fun to tease the audience. I'm a writer myself. I get it. It's fun playing with the viewer/readers head a little and teasing them from time to time. But, a line has to be drawn when the same old thing is used to much. It's got to be stopped!
Trouble is, I don't know how because everyone eats that shit up. "Tee-hee! They almost kissed! And now things are getting interesting! Cool!"
Yeah. I know your brains don't really work that way, but I'm not really sure how else to thing about it without poisoning the water supply.
Sweet Dreams.
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